Tales from the Cubicle (UPDATED!!!)

I've been opposed to putting stuff from work on my blog, but seeing as how my boss is a complete jack-hole, I feel compelled to share the mind numbifying email I just received:

Staff,

As phone volume increases in the spring, please remember that anyone should be able to assist any caller – that is why we cross-train! It doesn’t matter who is taking the lead on a project, we all have to be able to answer calls and questions.

• Whenever the phone rings, any person in the office should be able to pick up the call, so often the caller does not reach the original number they dialed

• Although a caller may ask for someone else, if that staff member is on the phone or away from their desk, please do NOT just take a message.

• Ask the caller if you can help, listen carefully to the question, and ask for clarification or additional details to make sure you understand the question.

• If you are not able to answer the question, assure the caller that you will get an answer and call them back.

• Use your manual to try to determine what the answer should be, then check with [the boss man] or another staff member to verify what the correct answer is.

• Once you have confirmed the correct response, return the call yourself. The next time someone calls with this question, you will be better prepared to assist.

• REMEMBER, as we mentioned in yesterday’s meeting, we are not to tell callers that staff members are at “lunch.” Simply tell the caller he/she is away from their desk/office and take a message or assist the caller yourself.

• ALWAYS maintain professionalism with all callers. I realize we all get frustrated, however, we must NEVER be rude, sarcastic, or discourteous in any way. We are here for one purpose folks, to help the schools in any way we can and I am very confident that you will all step up to the task.

Thank you all for always working together and doing whatever it takes to get the job done.

I can't even express how much I hate my job. Anyone who knows me is fully aware of the fact that I hate having to deal with stupid people, especially when they call in an ask stupid questions. So now, not only do I have to answer dumb questions, I now have to do it with a smile. It takes all of my will power not to be a nasty cunt whenever people phone in. My god I am in the wrong profession.

And I love how we can't say we're at lunch. Because that would just make us too human.

UPDATE:
So, I was thinking this morning about the above blog and email, trying to figure out what irks me so much about it. And I finally figured it out in one of those "Ah Ha!" moments that only occur at 6:30 in the morning. This letter is the epitome of a "TPS Report" a la Office Space. In particular, the seventh bullet which mentions not telling callers that staff members are out to lunch. I first heard about this rule last week from out office secretary. She was giving me a message from Mr. Boss-Man. That same day, maybe two hours later, Mr. Boss-Man comes in to give me the same message. "Um, yeah, hey Rachel, what's happening? I don't know if you got the message, but we're not telling callers that staff members are out to lunch anymore, mmmmmmmmm kay???"

Cut to a week later. We have a major staff meeting with our Head Bitch in Charge. She goes over pretty much all the aforementioned bullets with us. AGAIN, in this meeting, Mr. Boss-Man reminds us to not tell callers that staff members are out to lunch. "Okay, guys, I don't know if you got the memo, but we're not telling callers that we're out to lunch, mmmmmmmmmm kay?? So if you could do that, that would be great..."

So, not 24 hours later, we get this "Reminder" memo from Mr. Boss-Man. First of all, he reiterates everything that HBIC went over in the meeting. Secondly, he again mentions not telling people we're out to lunch. I don't understand how this dumb-f*(k thinks we do not understand this new rule. He's only told us at least 4 times. And why does he have to repeat what the HBIC has already said?? (Might I address the fact that Mr. Boss-Man is a complete kiss ass. He CC'd the HBIC so she could see what a great "manager" he is. He is so freakin' annoying).

I just want to tell this jackass that it's never okay to micro-manage. Every management book out there says that this is the worst management style ever. And yet, I have a feeling that this guy would tell me exactly how many squares of toilet paper to use if he were allowed.

And as a side not, I hate hate, hate, hate, hate how this guys uses the term "folks" at the very end of the memo. It's like he's trying to be friends with us while at the same time being incredible condescending. Idiot.

Current Dream Job: Assistant to the Dragon Lady

Thanks to FX, I’ve been able to watch The Devil Wears Prada at least four times in the past month (two of which were this past weekend). And, I’ve come to two life altering conclusions—1.) Meryl Streep is the coolest fucking actress on the planet, and 2.) I really want to be The Dragon Lady’s assistant. Not Andrea a.k.a. “Andy” (Anne Hathaway’s character). She has too much moral fiber and integrity for me. Oh no. I wish to be uber biyotch Emily, Assistant Extraordinaire. Here are my reasons why:

1. Being a bitch is a not only allowed, it’s a job requirement. I love how Emily’s character gets to be completely condescending, not only to the ingrates who call asking to speak to Miranda, but also to her coworkers. I cannot tell you how much I would love to be allowed to be snooty and bitchy to the idiots who call at my current place of employment.

2. Constant access to a “Runway” type closet. The perks of this job are amazing. Freebies are always getting handed out. And you would have access to Chanel. Enough said.

3. You get to go to Paris, every year. I’ve heard all sorts of stories about how Paris is a shit-hole, but that’s inconsequential. Once I saw the movie Amelie, there was no way that I wasn’t going to this city before I turned 30. There’s just something about Paris that inspires even the blackest of hearts. Even if the people are rude and the streets are covered in dog poop.

4. Green eyeshadow. There’s this part about a quarter of the way through the movie where Emily wears this amazing color eyeshadow. Now, I’m not saying that I would ever want to wear that color. But the fact that you could wear it to work, and not be hooking, is awesome.

5. Couture. Not only would you maybe get to obtain some couture, but you would have total leeway with what you could wear to work. I’m pretty sure there’s one scene in which Andy doesn’t even wear pants. She’s just wearing a rather long men’s shirt and some black tights.

6. High levels of stress. I don’t know if I’m just a freak, but I love stress. I live off of it. My current position affords no stress whatsoever. I never do anything. The most stressful part of my day is trying to figure out a way to nap at my desk without getting caught. I want to be running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I want to be nervous like a Chihuahua.

7. You’d get to live and work in New York City. Seeing as how I currently live in Fort Worth, Texas where the dress code is a belt buckle and a smile, I really don’t think this one needs an explanation.