Thank you tenants of apartment 1323. Thank you for not understanding the value of taking your shoes off when you are in the house. Thank you for understanding that what I really want to hear at 11:30 pm, 12:45 am, 1:30 am, and 3:51 am is your fat ass tromping around in combat boots. Thank you for realizing that I don't need sleep in order to do my job. In fact, it's actually frowned upon around here if I have my eyes open. When I get my dollar and hour raise, I will have you to thank for making me so sleep deprived that I get the nods at 10 am and 3 pm. Oh....I almost forgot! Thank you so much for inviting your friends over on work nights! There's nothing more pleasing to the ears than hearing a bunch of drunken douchebags slam doors, run up and down stairs, and scream obscenities! I hate to break it to you, tenant of apartment 1323, but they may actually be louder than you! Except for that one time you insisted o n dropping the dictionary, or whatever the hell it was, on the floor repeatedly. There's nothing like being startled awake with your heart beating like a chihuahua on amphetamines to really get your day going. Sleep, who needs it? You just carry on doing what you're doing, living the way your white trash parents taught you how to live.
Sincerely,
The Tenant of Apartment 1223
Monday, June 8, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
Oh great
I fucked up. I left secured materials at work unattended for 15 minutes. I thought I had locked the door, but I hadn't. I'm human, people mess up right? Well, not in my boss's world. I'm going to tally up the number of times he now reminds me/follws behind me to check that the door is locked. I'll keep you posted.
At present, my douche boss has reminded me: 2 times.
At present, my douche boss has reminded me: 2 times.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Tales from the Cubicle (UPDATED!!!)
I've been opposed to putting stuff from work on my blog, but seeing as how my boss is a complete jack-hole, I feel compelled to share the mind numbifying email I just received:
Staff,
As phone volume increases in the spring, please remember that anyone should be able to assist any caller – that is why we cross-train! It doesn’t matter who is taking the lead on a project, we all have to be able to answer calls and questions.
• Whenever the phone rings, any person in the office should be able to pick up the call, so often the caller does not reach the original number they dialed
• Although a caller may ask for someone else, if that staff member is on the phone or away from their desk, please do NOT just take a message.
• Ask the caller if you can help, listen carefully to the question, and ask for clarification or additional details to make sure you understand the question.
• If you are not able to answer the question, assure the caller that you will get an answer and call them back.
• Use your manual to try to determine what the answer should be, then check with [the boss man] or another staff member to verify what the correct answer is.
• Once you have confirmed the correct response, return the call yourself. The next time someone calls with this question, you will be better prepared to assist.
• REMEMBER, as we mentioned in yesterday’s meeting, we are not to tell callers that staff members are at “lunch.” Simply tell the caller he/she is away from their desk/office and take a message or assist the caller yourself.
• ALWAYS maintain professionalism with all callers. I realize we all get frustrated, however, we must NEVER be rude, sarcastic, or discourteous in any way. We are here for one purpose folks, to help the schools in any way we can and I am very confident that you will all step up to the task.
Thank you all for always working together and doing whatever it takes to get the job done.
I can't even express how much I hate my job. Anyone who knows me is fully aware of the fact that I hate having to deal with stupid people, especially when they call in an ask stupid questions. So now, not only do I have to answer dumb questions, I now have to do it with a smile. It takes all of my will power not to be a nasty cunt whenever people phone in. My god I am in the wrong profession.
And I love how we can't say we're at lunch. Because that would just make us too human.
UPDATE:
So, I was thinking this morning about the above blog and email, trying to figure out what irks me so much about it. And I finally figured it out in one of those "Ah Ha!" moments that only occur at 6:30 in the morning. This letter is the epitome of a "TPS Report" a la Office Space. In particular, the seventh bullet which mentions not telling callers that staff members are out to lunch. I first heard about this rule last week from out office secretary. She was giving me a message from Mr. Boss-Man. That same day, maybe two hours later, Mr. Boss-Man comes in to give me the same message. "Um, yeah, hey Rachel, what's happening? I don't know if you got the message, but we're not telling callers that staff members are out to lunch anymore, mmmmmmmmm kay???"
Cut to a week later. We have a major staff meeting with our Head Bitch in Charge. She goes over pretty much all the aforementioned bullets with us. AGAIN, in this meeting, Mr. Boss-Man reminds us to not tell callers that staff members are out to lunch. "Okay, guys, I don't know if you got the memo, but we're not telling callers that we're out to lunch, mmmmmmmmmm kay?? So if you could do that, that would be great..."
So, not 24 hours later, we get this "Reminder" memo from Mr. Boss-Man. First of all, he reiterates everything that HBIC went over in the meeting. Secondly, he again mentions not telling people we're out to lunch. I don't understand how this dumb-f*(k thinks we do not understand this new rule. He's only told us at least 4 times. And why does he have to repeat what the HBIC has already said?? (Might I address the fact that Mr. Boss-Man is a complete kiss ass. He CC'd the HBIC so she could see what a great "manager" he is. He is so freakin' annoying).
I just want to tell this jackass that it's never okay to micro-manage. Every management book out there says that this is the worst management style ever. And yet, I have a feeling that this guy would tell me exactly how many squares of toilet paper to use if he were allowed.
And as a side not, I hate hate, hate, hate, hate how this guys uses the term "folks" at the very end of the memo. It's like he's trying to be friends with us while at the same time being incredible condescending. Idiot.
Staff,
As phone volume increases in the spring, please remember that anyone should be able to assist any caller – that is why we cross-train! It doesn’t matter who is taking the lead on a project, we all have to be able to answer calls and questions.
• Whenever the phone rings, any person in the office should be able to pick up the call, so often the caller does not reach the original number they dialed
• Although a caller may ask for someone else, if that staff member is on the phone or away from their desk, please do NOT just take a message.
• Ask the caller if you can help, listen carefully to the question, and ask for clarification or additional details to make sure you understand the question.
• If you are not able to answer the question, assure the caller that you will get an answer and call them back.
• Use your manual to try to determine what the answer should be, then check with [the boss man] or another staff member to verify what the correct answer is.
• Once you have confirmed the correct response, return the call yourself. The next time someone calls with this question, you will be better prepared to assist.
• REMEMBER, as we mentioned in yesterday’s meeting, we are not to tell callers that staff members are at “lunch.” Simply tell the caller he/she is away from their desk/office and take a message or assist the caller yourself.
• ALWAYS maintain professionalism with all callers. I realize we all get frustrated, however, we must NEVER be rude, sarcastic, or discourteous in any way. We are here for one purpose folks, to help the schools in any way we can and I am very confident that you will all step up to the task.
Thank you all for always working together and doing whatever it takes to get the job done.
I can't even express how much I hate my job. Anyone who knows me is fully aware of the fact that I hate having to deal with stupid people, especially when they call in an ask stupid questions. So now, not only do I have to answer dumb questions, I now have to do it with a smile. It takes all of my will power not to be a nasty cunt whenever people phone in. My god I am in the wrong profession.
And I love how we can't say we're at lunch. Because that would just make us too human.
UPDATE:
So, I was thinking this morning about the above blog and email, trying to figure out what irks me so much about it. And I finally figured it out in one of those "Ah Ha!" moments that only occur at 6:30 in the morning. This letter is the epitome of a "TPS Report" a la Office Space. In particular, the seventh bullet which mentions not telling callers that staff members are out to lunch. I first heard about this rule last week from out office secretary. She was giving me a message from Mr. Boss-Man. That same day, maybe two hours later, Mr. Boss-Man comes in to give me the same message. "Um, yeah, hey Rachel, what's happening? I don't know if you got the message, but we're not telling callers that staff members are out to lunch anymore, mmmmmmmmm kay???"
Cut to a week later. We have a major staff meeting with our Head Bitch in Charge. She goes over pretty much all the aforementioned bullets with us. AGAIN, in this meeting, Mr. Boss-Man reminds us to not tell callers that staff members are out to lunch. "Okay, guys, I don't know if you got the memo, but we're not telling callers that we're out to lunch, mmmmmmmmmm kay?? So if you could do that, that would be great..."
So, not 24 hours later, we get this "Reminder" memo from Mr. Boss-Man. First of all, he reiterates everything that HBIC went over in the meeting. Secondly, he again mentions not telling people we're out to lunch. I don't understand how this dumb-f*(k thinks we do not understand this new rule. He's only told us at least 4 times. And why does he have to repeat what the HBIC has already said?? (Might I address the fact that Mr. Boss-Man is a complete kiss ass. He CC'd the HBIC so she could see what a great "manager" he is. He is so freakin' annoying).
I just want to tell this jackass that it's never okay to micro-manage. Every management book out there says that this is the worst management style ever. And yet, I have a feeling that this guy would tell me exactly how many squares of toilet paper to use if he were allowed.
And as a side not, I hate hate, hate, hate, hate how this guys uses the term "folks" at the very end of the memo. It's like he's trying to be friends with us while at the same time being incredible condescending. Idiot.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Current Dream Job: Assistant to the Dragon Lady
Thanks to FX, I’ve been able to watch The Devil Wears Prada at least four times in the past month (two of which were this past weekend). And, I’ve come to two life altering conclusions—1.) Meryl Streep is the coolest fucking actress on the planet, and 2.) I really want to be The Dragon Lady’s assistant. Not Andrea a.k.a. “Andy” (Anne Hathaway’s character). She has too much moral fiber and integrity for me. Oh no. I wish to be uber biyotch Emily, Assistant Extraordinaire. Here are my reasons why:
1. Being a bitch is a not only allowed, it’s a job requirement. I love how Emily’s character gets to be completely condescending, not only to the ingrates who call asking to speak to Miranda, but also to her coworkers. I cannot tell you how much I would love to be allowed to be snooty and bitchy to the idiots who call at my current place of employment.
2. Constant access to a “Runway” type closet. The perks of this job are amazing. Freebies are always getting handed out. And you would have access to Chanel. Enough said.
3. You get to go to Paris, every year. I’ve heard all sorts of stories about how Paris is a shit-hole, but that’s inconsequential. Once I saw the movie Amelie, there was no way that I wasn’t going to this city before I turned 30. There’s just something about Paris that inspires even the blackest of hearts. Even if the people are rude and the streets are covered in dog poop.
4. Green eyeshadow. There’s this part about a quarter of the way through the movie where Emily wears this amazing color eyeshadow. Now, I’m not saying that I would ever want to wear that color. But the fact that you could wear it to work, and not be hooking, is awesome.
5. Couture. Not only would you maybe get to obtain some couture, but you would have total leeway with what you could wear to work. I’m pretty sure there’s one scene in which Andy doesn’t even wear pants. She’s just wearing a rather long men’s shirt and some black tights.
6. High levels of stress. I don’t know if I’m just a freak, but I love stress. I live off of it. My current position affords no stress whatsoever. I never do anything. The most stressful part of my day is trying to figure out a way to nap at my desk without getting caught. I want to be running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I want to be nervous like a Chihuahua.
7. You’d get to live and work in New York City. Seeing as how I currently live in Fort Worth, Texas where the dress code is a belt buckle and a smile, I really don’t think this one needs an explanation.
1. Being a bitch is a not only allowed, it’s a job requirement. I love how Emily’s character gets to be completely condescending, not only to the ingrates who call asking to speak to Miranda, but also to her coworkers. I cannot tell you how much I would love to be allowed to be snooty and bitchy to the idiots who call at my current place of employment.
2. Constant access to a “Runway” type closet. The perks of this job are amazing. Freebies are always getting handed out. And you would have access to Chanel. Enough said.
3. You get to go to Paris, every year. I’ve heard all sorts of stories about how Paris is a shit-hole, but that’s inconsequential. Once I saw the movie Amelie, there was no way that I wasn’t going to this city before I turned 30. There’s just something about Paris that inspires even the blackest of hearts. Even if the people are rude and the streets are covered in dog poop.
4. Green eyeshadow. There’s this part about a quarter of the way through the movie where Emily wears this amazing color eyeshadow. Now, I’m not saying that I would ever want to wear that color. But the fact that you could wear it to work, and not be hooking, is awesome.
5. Couture. Not only would you maybe get to obtain some couture, but you would have total leeway with what you could wear to work. I’m pretty sure there’s one scene in which Andy doesn’t even wear pants. She’s just wearing a rather long men’s shirt and some black tights.
6. High levels of stress. I don’t know if I’m just a freak, but I love stress. I live off of it. My current position affords no stress whatsoever. I never do anything. The most stressful part of my day is trying to figure out a way to nap at my desk without getting caught. I want to be running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I want to be nervous like a Chihuahua.
7. You’d get to live and work in New York City. Seeing as how I currently live in Fort Worth, Texas where the dress code is a belt buckle and a smile, I really don’t think this one needs an explanation.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Junk in the Tunk: Splenda with Fiber
We are a nation of people who can't poop. How do I know this? Because I'm inundated with commercials for things like Benefiber and yogurt commercials staring Jamie Lee Curtis proclaiming the benefits of active cultures for your colon. I'm also pretty sure that at least 25% of the people I know complain about one of the following symptoms of IBS: cramping, not pooping for days, etc. Ew.
Now, I was okay when the LiveActive Danon yogurts came out, because that shit was naturally occuring. They weren't necessarily pumping the bacterial cultures in there. However, I did start to scratch my head whenever they came out with FiberOne Yogurt, which claimed to have 5 grams of fiber per serving. Call me a purist, but cows milk doesn't have fucking fiber in it! It's not naturally occuring. Do Americans have such a shitty diet that they have to start pumping extra fiber into stuff that it doesn't even occur in??
Other stuff was soon to follow. Bread with extra added fiber. Whatever. Special K water with both protein and fiber. Crystal Ligh even jumped on the LiveActive bandwagon. Holy crap! No pun intended.
Now the latest in a laundry list of shit mixed with other shit - behold, Splenda with Fiber!!!
First of all, splenda (or sucralose) isn’t even a naturally occurring substance. It’s synthetic. Now, the geniuses over in Splendaland decided that it wasn’t artificial enough, so they pumped fiber into it. There is no way in hell that fiber naturally occurs in Splenda. Oh well. Hopefully splenda with fiber in your morning coffee (a laxative) will finally get things moving along. Good morning America!!!
Now go eat a vegetable or a piece of fruit for crying out loud!
Now, I was okay when the LiveActive Danon yogurts came out, because that shit was naturally occuring. They weren't necessarily pumping the bacterial cultures in there. However, I did start to scratch my head whenever they came out with FiberOne Yogurt, which claimed to have 5 grams of fiber per serving. Call me a purist, but cows milk doesn't have fucking fiber in it! It's not naturally occuring. Do Americans have such a shitty diet that they have to start pumping extra fiber into stuff that it doesn't even occur in??
Other stuff was soon to follow. Bread with extra added fiber. Whatever. Special K water with both protein and fiber. Crystal Ligh even jumped on the LiveActive bandwagon. Holy crap! No pun intended.
Now the latest in a laundry list of shit mixed with other shit - behold, Splenda with Fiber!!!
First of all, splenda (or sucralose) isn’t even a naturally occurring substance. It’s synthetic. Now, the geniuses over in Splendaland decided that it wasn’t artificial enough, so they pumped fiber into it. There is no way in hell that fiber naturally occurs in Splenda. Oh well. Hopefully splenda with fiber in your morning coffee (a laxative) will finally get things moving along. Good morning America!!!
Now go eat a vegetable or a piece of fruit for crying out loud!
Road Ragin': A List
I’ve lived in 5 different states and god knows how many cities, and I’ve had the pleasure of experiencing the cluster-fuck that is driving in each one of these places. Everywhere that I have lived and driven, I’ve sworn up and down to anyone who would listen that the drivers commuting to work/the gym/the mall/the NASCAR track were the worst drivers I had ever encountered.
Having recently moved to Fort Worth, I’ve gotten to encounter a whole to new breed of driver. As I was complaining to my mom about the incompetent inbred hicks infesting Hwy 121, she happened to mention that I had said the exact same thing about the drivers when I lived in Charlotte. She also mentioned that if I continued to get angry about every little thing I was going to stroke out by the time I was 35. I digress. While she has a good point about my wee-little anger problem, she had an even better point about drivers. And then I had a revelation -- bad drivers are everywhere!!! There are different types, almost like breeds, that populate certain areas of the country. Some areas may have more of one breed than another, but there are approximately 7 that I have encountered since taking the wheel (and my life) into my hands at the tender age of 16:
1. The Tailgater. For this individual, no matter how fast you are going, you are going to slow for them. And they let you know it by riding your ass. I’ve been on back country roads, in the pouring rain, doing 60 mph in a 35, and still these people are in a hurry. Where in god’s name are these people going? I’ve had most of my encounters with these wonderful gems in the NASCAR states, most recently Charlotte, NC.
2. The Slow Mo-Fo. These are the people who drive at least 5 miles below the speed limit at all times. Now, admittedly, I am usually one to drive 5-10 miles over the speed limit, and I hate to have to slow down (I am NOT a tailgater, however). But, I can’t get frustrated if the person is at least driving the speed limit. They are obeying the rules of the road. However, WTF is up with the people who drive below the speed limit??? You see me in your rearview mirror! Have you not checked your speedometer? I think these drivers are even worse than tailgaters. You find these drivers everywhere, but most notably in southern states.
3. The Left Hand Lane Squatter. I fucking hate these drivers, and they are the most passive aggressive of the lot. I can’t even write about it without getting a little hot in the collar. These drivers like to camp out in the left had (i.e. PASSING) lane. They refuse to get over. Oh, they see you, coming up behind them, going at least 5 miles faster than they are. But they won’t move. I’ve actually seen them look in their rearview and not get over. It’s like they get some sort of sick pleasure from not budging. But, when you finally give up all hope of them ever getting over, and you get in the right hand lane to pass them, they SPEED UP! Ugh.
4. The “My Turn Signal Was a Luxury Purchase.” I love these guys, because apparently they couldn’t afford a turn signal when they bought their car. That’s why they never use it when merging/turning, etc. These guys thinks it’s okay to just cut you off without ever indicating what the hell they are going to do. You know, I’d have gladly let you into my lane, if you had just given me a little bit of a sign. Just 5 seconds worth.
5. The “I Go Everywhere at Mach Speed” Driver. These guys are usually teenage guys with some sort of supped up douche mobile (i.e., Honda Civic, Eclipse, etc). Music blasting, bass all the way up, two little douche friends as their wing men, and a hat strategically cocked to the side. If they pass you, they have to floor it. When they pull into/out of a parking space, they floor it. Coming up to a stop sign/red light—they floor it. Driving through the grocery store parking lot, practically killing a mother and her two kids—you guessed it—they’re flooring it, son! What do they have to worry about? Mom and dad will pay for the damages and the insurance.
6. The Stop-and-Go Merger. Ugh, just merge already!!! These drivers can’t decide when they are going to get onto the highway. Their indecision is compounded by the fact that they don’t follow the cardinal rule of getting onto the highway—accelerate!! So, it’s pretty much an infuriating series of stop and go, stop and go.
7. The Anti-Handwaver. Probably the worst of the lot. These drivers don’t believe in driving karma. They refuse to acknowledge any courteous driving with a hand wave. We all know the hand wave. The little pageantry wave made famous by Miss America contestants. We all know it’s half-assed, but it must be done. Just give me a little flick of the wrist, some sign that you know I just did you a favor.
I know there’s got to be more types of drivers than this, but it’s all I could come up with and I have got to pee. It’s ruining my concentration. If you have any other suggestions, please leave them in the comment section. For those of you who can't take it anymore, click here. Whoop!
P.S. It should be interesting to note the road rage is not an accepted mental disorder in the DSM IV. Humanity has jumped the shark.
Having recently moved to Fort Worth, I’ve gotten to encounter a whole to new breed of driver. As I was complaining to my mom about the incompetent inbred hicks infesting Hwy 121, she happened to mention that I had said the exact same thing about the drivers when I lived in Charlotte. She also mentioned that if I continued to get angry about every little thing I was going to stroke out by the time I was 35. I digress. While she has a good point about my wee-little anger problem, she had an even better point about drivers. And then I had a revelation -- bad drivers are everywhere!!! There are different types, almost like breeds, that populate certain areas of the country. Some areas may have more of one breed than another, but there are approximately 7 that I have encountered since taking the wheel (and my life) into my hands at the tender age of 16:
1. The Tailgater. For this individual, no matter how fast you are going, you are going to slow for them. And they let you know it by riding your ass. I’ve been on back country roads, in the pouring rain, doing 60 mph in a 35, and still these people are in a hurry. Where in god’s name are these people going? I’ve had most of my encounters with these wonderful gems in the NASCAR states, most recently Charlotte, NC.
2. The Slow Mo-Fo. These are the people who drive at least 5 miles below the speed limit at all times. Now, admittedly, I am usually one to drive 5-10 miles over the speed limit, and I hate to have to slow down (I am NOT a tailgater, however). But, I can’t get frustrated if the person is at least driving the speed limit. They are obeying the rules of the road. However, WTF is up with the people who drive below the speed limit??? You see me in your rearview mirror! Have you not checked your speedometer? I think these drivers are even worse than tailgaters. You find these drivers everywhere, but most notably in southern states.
3. The Left Hand Lane Squatter. I fucking hate these drivers, and they are the most passive aggressive of the lot. I can’t even write about it without getting a little hot in the collar. These drivers like to camp out in the left had (i.e. PASSING) lane. They refuse to get over. Oh, they see you, coming up behind them, going at least 5 miles faster than they are. But they won’t move. I’ve actually seen them look in their rearview and not get over. It’s like they get some sort of sick pleasure from not budging. But, when you finally give up all hope of them ever getting over, and you get in the right hand lane to pass them, they SPEED UP! Ugh.
4. The “My Turn Signal Was a Luxury Purchase.” I love these guys, because apparently they couldn’t afford a turn signal when they bought their car. That’s why they never use it when merging/turning, etc. These guys thinks it’s okay to just cut you off without ever indicating what the hell they are going to do. You know, I’d have gladly let you into my lane, if you had just given me a little bit of a sign. Just 5 seconds worth.
5. The “I Go Everywhere at Mach Speed” Driver. These guys are usually teenage guys with some sort of supped up douche mobile (i.e., Honda Civic, Eclipse, etc). Music blasting, bass all the way up, two little douche friends as their wing men, and a hat strategically cocked to the side. If they pass you, they have to floor it. When they pull into/out of a parking space, they floor it. Coming up to a stop sign/red light—they floor it. Driving through the grocery store parking lot, practically killing a mother and her two kids—you guessed it—they’re flooring it, son! What do they have to worry about? Mom and dad will pay for the damages and the insurance.
6. The Stop-and-Go Merger. Ugh, just merge already!!! These drivers can’t decide when they are going to get onto the highway. Their indecision is compounded by the fact that they don’t follow the cardinal rule of getting onto the highway—accelerate!! So, it’s pretty much an infuriating series of stop and go, stop and go.
7. The Anti-Handwaver. Probably the worst of the lot. These drivers don’t believe in driving karma. They refuse to acknowledge any courteous driving with a hand wave. We all know the hand wave. The little pageantry wave made famous by Miss America contestants. We all know it’s half-assed, but it must be done. Just give me a little flick of the wrist, some sign that you know I just did you a favor.
I know there’s got to be more types of drivers than this, but it’s all I could come up with and I have got to pee. It’s ruining my concentration. If you have any other suggestions, please leave them in the comment section. For those of you who can't take it anymore, click here. Whoop!
P.S. It should be interesting to note the road rage is not an accepted mental disorder in the DSM IV. Humanity has jumped the shark.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Reason No. 1,875 to Not Get Off the Couch
Get your DVRs ready bitches.
Drug sniffing dogs! High speed chases on horseback! Handle-bar mustaches! High fives!!!!
You can stop wetting your pants with excitement now.
Drug sniffing dogs! High speed chases on horseback! Handle-bar mustaches! High fives!!!!
You can stop wetting your pants with excitement now.
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