Road Ragin': A List

I’ve lived in 5 different states and god knows how many cities, and I’ve had the pleasure of experiencing the cluster-fuck that is driving in each one of these places. Everywhere that I have lived and driven, I’ve sworn up and down to anyone who would listen that the drivers commuting to work/the gym/the mall/the NASCAR track were the worst drivers I had ever encountered.

Having recently moved to Fort Worth, I’ve gotten to encounter a whole to new breed of driver. As I was complaining to my mom about the incompetent inbred hicks infesting Hwy 121, she happened to mention that I had said the exact same thing about the drivers when I lived in Charlotte. She also mentioned that if I continued to get angry about every little thing I was going to stroke out by the time I was 35. I digress. While she has a good point about my wee-little anger problem, she had an even better point about drivers. And then I had a revelation -- bad drivers are everywhere!!! There are different types, almost like breeds, that populate certain areas of the country. Some areas may have more of one breed than another, but there are approximately 7 that I have encountered since taking the wheel (and my life) into my hands at the tender age of 16:

1. The Tailgater. For this individual, no matter how fast you are going, you are going to slow for them. And they let you know it by riding your ass. I’ve been on back country roads, in the pouring rain, doing 60 mph in a 35, and still these people are in a hurry. Where in god’s name are these people going? I’ve had most of my encounters with these wonderful gems in the NASCAR states, most recently Charlotte, NC.

2. The Slow Mo-Fo. These are the people who drive at least 5 miles below the speed limit at all times. Now, admittedly, I am usually one to drive 5-10 miles over the speed limit, and I hate to have to slow down (I am NOT a tailgater, however). But, I can’t get frustrated if the person is at least driving the speed limit. They are obeying the rules of the road. However, WTF is up with the people who drive below the speed limit??? You see me in your rearview mirror! Have you not checked your speedometer? I think these drivers are even worse than tailgaters. You find these drivers everywhere, but most notably in southern states.

3. The Left Hand Lane Squatter. I fucking hate these drivers, and they are the most passive aggressive of the lot. I can’t even write about it without getting a little hot in the collar. These drivers like to camp out in the left had (i.e. PASSING) lane. They refuse to get over. Oh, they see you, coming up behind them, going at least 5 miles faster than they are. But they won’t move. I’ve actually seen them look in their rearview and not get over. It’s like they get some sort of sick pleasure from not budging. But, when you finally give up all hope of them ever getting over, and you get in the right hand lane to pass them, they SPEED UP! Ugh.

4. The “My Turn Signal Was a Luxury Purchase.” I love these guys, because apparently they couldn’t afford a turn signal when they bought their car. That’s why they never use it when merging/turning, etc. These guys thinks it’s okay to just cut you off without ever indicating what the hell they are going to do. You know, I’d have gladly let you into my lane, if you had just given me a little bit of a sign. Just 5 seconds worth.

5. The “I Go Everywhere at Mach Speed” Driver. These guys are usually teenage guys with some sort of supped up douche mobile (i.e., Honda Civic, Eclipse, etc). Music blasting, bass all the way up, two little douche friends as their wing men, and a hat strategically cocked to the side. If they pass you, they have to floor it. When they pull into/out of a parking space, they floor it. Coming up to a stop sign/red light—they floor it. Driving through the grocery store parking lot, practically killing a mother and her two kids—you guessed it—they’re flooring it, son! What do they have to worry about? Mom and dad will pay for the damages and the insurance.

6. The Stop-and-Go Merger. Ugh, just merge already!!! These drivers can’t decide when they are going to get onto the highway. Their indecision is compounded by the fact that they don’t follow the cardinal rule of getting onto the highway—accelerate!! So, it’s pretty much an infuriating series of stop and go, stop and go.

7. The Anti-Handwaver. Probably the worst of the lot. These drivers don’t believe in driving karma. They refuse to acknowledge any courteous driving with a hand wave. We all know the hand wave. The little pageantry wave made famous by Miss America contestants. We all know it’s half-assed, but it must be done. Just give me a little flick of the wrist, some sign that you know I just did you a favor.

I know there’s got to be more types of drivers than this, but it’s all I could come up with and I have got to pee. It’s ruining my concentration. If you have any other suggestions, please leave them in the comment section. For those of you who can't take it anymore, click here. Whoop!

P.S. It should be interesting to note the road rage is not an accepted mental disorder in the DSM IV. Humanity has jumped the shark.