Current Dream Job: Assistant to the Dragon Lady

Thanks to FX, I’ve been able to watch The Devil Wears Prada at least four times in the past month (two of which were this past weekend). And, I’ve come to two life altering conclusions—1.) Meryl Streep is the coolest fucking actress on the planet, and 2.) I really want to be The Dragon Lady’s assistant. Not Andrea a.k.a. “Andy” (Anne Hathaway’s character). She has too much moral fiber and integrity for me. Oh no. I wish to be uber biyotch Emily, Assistant Extraordinaire. Here are my reasons why:

1. Being a bitch is a not only allowed, it’s a job requirement. I love how Emily’s character gets to be completely condescending, not only to the ingrates who call asking to speak to Miranda, but also to her coworkers. I cannot tell you how much I would love to be allowed to be snooty and bitchy to the idiots who call at my current place of employment.

2. Constant access to a “Runway” type closet. The perks of this job are amazing. Freebies are always getting handed out. And you would have access to Chanel. Enough said.

3. You get to go to Paris, every year. I’ve heard all sorts of stories about how Paris is a shit-hole, but that’s inconsequential. Once I saw the movie Amelie, there was no way that I wasn’t going to this city before I turned 30. There’s just something about Paris that inspires even the blackest of hearts. Even if the people are rude and the streets are covered in dog poop.

4. Green eyeshadow. There’s this part about a quarter of the way through the movie where Emily wears this amazing color eyeshadow. Now, I’m not saying that I would ever want to wear that color. But the fact that you could wear it to work, and not be hooking, is awesome.

5. Couture. Not only would you maybe get to obtain some couture, but you would have total leeway with what you could wear to work. I’m pretty sure there’s one scene in which Andy doesn’t even wear pants. She’s just wearing a rather long men’s shirt and some black tights.

6. High levels of stress. I don’t know if I’m just a freak, but I love stress. I live off of it. My current position affords no stress whatsoever. I never do anything. The most stressful part of my day is trying to figure out a way to nap at my desk without getting caught. I want to be running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I want to be nervous like a Chihuahua.

7. You’d get to live and work in New York City. Seeing as how I currently live in Fort Worth, Texas where the dress code is a belt buckle and a smile, I really don’t think this one needs an explanation.